I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
