my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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