If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
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