There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
handjob tips. give me some.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
