I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
