At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
so my class lasted 15 minutes this morning because this kid puked all over himself..only at radford
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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