I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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