The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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