i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
