Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
