when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
i will never coherently bang her
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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