one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Randomize
