i permit you to call me
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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