Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Randomize
