If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
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