I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
