I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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