Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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