I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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