how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Randomize
