Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
