so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
