My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
