can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
