Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Randomize
