I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Randomize
