a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Randomize
