I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
