You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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