My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
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