rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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