Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
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