My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Randomize
