I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
this will be a night to untag.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
