he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
