You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
