then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Randomize
