he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
