I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
