i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
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