apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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