I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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