So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
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Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
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i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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