god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Randomize
