I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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