You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
