i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
