8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
