your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
