it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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