Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
