I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
