Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
