just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
