I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
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