God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
