Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
People in love make me want to vomit
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
