Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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