What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
