Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
