Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
