Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
